And so it goes

So I have been getting rid of the food in my house with potential migraine triggers. It's seriously like 70% of the food I have in my house. I have sent three boxes full of stuff with Jared to work, and packed up three more boxes full to keep in case of an emergency, and that's just the stuff out of my pantry! I still have my fridge, freezer, and food storage to go through.

In the mean time, the table has been my dump spot and everyone has been munching on that stuff for the last time before it gets packed off, including myself. I have had the biggest headache these last few days! You would think I would learn and stop eating it. A lot of the stuff I think, I doubt that gives me headaches, but with the headache I have had I am starting to believe the book.

I am taking most of the freezer and fridge stuff to my mom's house, but if anyone needs some food, let me know, because I certainly can't keep it.

Here we go again

I tend to go through cycles of being so sick of getting headaches all the time, I finally decide to try something to get rid of them. Then I get sick of gaining weight from whatever meds the doctor give me that don't do a darn for my headache so I go back to doing nothing until I can't deal with life and start the cycle over.

If you have seen my house lately you would know what I mean about not being able to deal with life. I always have a headache and bending over to pick things up and the smell of cleanser always makes them worse so everything has just stopped and I can't deal with my house any more, or with myself. Always before, I didn't let my headaches absolve me of my responsibilities, but since having a baby (yes that was a year ago), I've used headaches and being tired and a baby as my excuse for dropping everything. And it really shows, in my house, my relationship with my husband and kids, my friendships, my church callings, and even my hobbies, which I have stopped doing and being interested in. I just sit, or sleep, and watch the days flying by while I am miserable, and I'm sick of it. I don't want to loose another summer, another year. I have goals, for my family and myself, and I don't want to put them off any longer.

It's become abundantly clear to me that I can't rely on doctors for relief from my depression or headaches. They just prescribe meds that I always have horrible side effects to and that don't help at all. Did you know that 40% of people don't respond to depression medications? Doctors deny it though, claiming you just have to find the right one. Well I have been on 9 different ones and all they have done is make me gain weight and get more headaches (I won't even mention sexual side effects), and be the meanest person in the world going off of them. I'm not willing to go on the other meds they are practically forcing me to try for headaches. ("If you won't go on ___ then there isn't anything I can do to help you." "If you insist on nursing, or want to have another baby, then there isn't anything we can do for you. Come back when your done with those.") So that means it's just me.

A while back Jared found the book called Heal Your Headache. I half tried it back then but still thought some medication would work and didn't want to invest the time and effort into doing what the book said. I'm willing now. Today I am going through all the food in my house and getting rid of everything the book says is a possible trigger. It's probably better this way anyhow because my two older girls have started complaining of mild to moderate headaches lately and a lifestyle change will be a change for my whole family (except maybe Jared, he'll just end up taking all the food to his work).

Funny Kids

Grace- "I hope Jesus doesn't come during my daddy-daughter date because that would ruin the end of the play." Afterward we talked about how most likely it will be "inconvenient" for a lot of people and started listing other things she hopes she isn't doing when he comes again, like going to that bathroom. She said that would be so embarrassing.

Abi- We were listening to Moon Shadow and Abi said, "If you didn't have any eyes you couldn't blink, and blinking is the most awesome thing on your face! Because, uh, Princesses. (Duh)"

Abi- "This is not even broccoli."
Scout- "Yeah it's cauliflower."
Abi- "Yeah, I call it flower, too."
Grace- "GET IT!?! I call it flower! Cauliflower! That was a funny joke!"
Abi- "Yeah it's funny because I call it flower." I don't think she got it.

Picture Perfect

To Be or Not To Be

UVU used to have a pendulum in the science building, maybe they still do, I haven't been there in a while. When I watched my nephew, I would take him there to watch it. We would run, well, he ran, I walked, down the hall, looking forward to seeing it swing back and forth. It was always so disappointing to get there and see it just hanging, not moving at all. I always wanted to go down there and give it a push.

Today has been one of those days that you think, "Will this day end already?!" It's not that it's been a horrible day. The kids have been pretty good, but keep bickering with each other, with Abi throwing in her shrieks of protest. Max hasn't really been crying; he's just being high maintenance today, requiring to be held constantly. I have a headache.

Tomorrow I am going scrap booking and I really wanted to go to the store, but I won't because Jared is working late on freelance for our down payment, and I don't want to take the girls and have to carry Max the whole time. Instead I am attempting to get some packing done so we don't have to move the whole house with a week and a half notice. It's not going very well.

That's when I realized it.

You know what my problem is?

Jared says:
Your husband is so cool, it makes you feel inadequate in comparison?

Um, no.

My real problem is I'm not a really good mom, but I'm not a really bad one either (yes I realize being a really bad mother is a problem in and of itself, but at least then I would be selfish enough to do whatever happened to make me happy at the moment, hear me out).

If I were a bad mom, I could just go take a Lortab and put in ear plugs and lock the door. Max wouldn't NEED to eat for 4 or 5 hours and the other kids can fend for themselves. Max would cry the whole time, but that's what ear plugs are for, right?

But I'm not a bad mom.

However, I'm not a good mom either, because I could carry Max and go upstairs and pace while helping the kids get their chores done and then take everyone on a walk to the park, because Max does well outside, in the stroller, on walks, and then I would carry him around with the girls at the park and pushing them on the swings. Everyone would be happier and too worn out to fight when we came back.

But I'm not a really good mother. So I wont, because my head moderately hurts and it's bright outside, and swings make me motion sick to watch, and it's hot outside, and, frankly, I am just too lazy.

Instead I will sit in the rocker with the baby all day wishing there was something I could take to get rid of my headache and being frustrated with the normal play fights the girls are having upstairs.

It's like I have become that stationary pendulum. So much exciting, fun potential and then just a little disappointing.