To the Future

Max cried all day today. He finally fell asleep at 3 o'clock so of course we went to a movie, after all he would probably sleep through the whole thing because he hadn't slept all day. He did pretty well, as long as Jared was standing in the isle rocking him. He picked up the crying again as soon as we got back into the car. He still hasn't stopped.


I have to stay, I think I am dealing with the crying a lot better this time around then with Abi or Scout. The big problem is that he doesn't sleep for longer then 2-3 hours at night, during the day either, but it's hardest at night. Usually we have an unspoken rule that we don't really talk to each other late at night. If I stay up late, I get grumpy and pick fights, and if Jared gets woken up he becomes an irrational jerk, in my opinion. Needless to say, Jared and I have been having our fair share of night time arguments lately.


Jared has his doubts about whether we should have any more kids. He says he is having a really hard time adjusting with this baby and doesn't know if he can do it again. I would like to have one more, but I can see what he is talking about; Jared has been awful snippy lately. He claims I have been pretty short with him lately too, but I don't know what he could be talking about, except maybe getting after him for being short with the kids, or for qualifying when I can wake him up to help with Max. So maybe this will be our last baby, but that idea makes me a little sad, that when Max grows out of a stage we won't go through that stage ever again. How does anyone handle that, especially those of you who are sure that you are done?

I'm Sorry

I follow the blog Seagull Fountain. Every once in a while I read a post that makes me feel I am intruding on a strangers personal life. Too Much Sorry was one of those, maybe because it reminded me of my dad.

Every time I go to Idaho to visit my dad, my dad brings up my parent's divorce. I have to say that I get sick of always talking about it and wish that my dad would move on, because I have, a long time ago. Not that I think my dad is stuck on the divorce, but that he thinks I may be? Or he feels guilt about the ways it has effected my life? He has told me that he's sorry for how it negatively effected me. It meant a lot to me, that my dad would acknowledge his part in screwing up my life.

As a parent, I am bound to do things that will mess up my kids, even if I were the mom that I really want to be. I am aware that many of the things I do are already having a negative effect on my children, and I am sorry I do them. I can't kid myself into thinking I am doing the best I can. The fact is I am not, and I doubt I ever will. I think I am a good mother, but I would like to be a great mother. I don't however take the time to do the things that would make me one. My goal is to try a little harder, everyday, to smile more, to say yes more often, to stress out about the little things less often, and, maybe, once in a long while, get off the computer and play Shoots and Ladders or Candy Land because that's they game they want to play (even though I think the devil made those games to torture parents in their efforts to be great).

One of the best things about my kids is how quick they are to forgive me for my own grumpiness and screw-ups. I wasn't nearly as forgiving of my own parents. I'm sorry.

Max's 1st Bath

Ode To Miss Wiggley by Grace Goodey

I wish you could stay
But my mom won't let me keep you.
Stay out of the sunshine
So you don't die.

I wish I could be a worm
So I could live with you.
But I don't want to
Because birds eat worms.

I hope a bird doesn't eat you.