I follow the blog Seagull Fountain. Every once in a while I read a post that makes me feel I am intruding on a strangers personal life. Too Much Sorry was one of those, maybe because it reminded me of my dad.
Every time I go to Idaho to visit my dad, my dad brings up my parent's divorce. I have to say that I get sick of always talking about it and wish that my dad would move on, because I have, a long time ago. Not that I think my dad is stuck on the divorce, but that he thinks I may be? Or he feels guilt about the ways it has effected my life? He has told me that he's sorry for how it negatively effected me. It meant a lot to me, that my dad would acknowledge his part in screwing up my life.
As a parent, I am bound to do things that will mess up my kids, even if I were the mom that I really want to be. I am aware that many of the things I do are already having a negative effect on my children, and I am sorry I do them. I can't kid myself into thinking I am doing the best I can. The fact is I am not, and I doubt I ever will. I think I am a good mother, but I would like to be a great mother. I don't however take the time to do the things that would make me one. My goal is to try a little harder, everyday, to smile more, to say yes more often, to stress out about the little things less often, and, maybe, once in a long while, get off the computer and play Shoots and Ladders or Candy Land because that's they game they want to play (even though I think the devil made those games to torture parents in their efforts to be great).
One of the best things about my kids is how quick they are to forgive me for my own grumpiness and screw-ups. I wasn't nearly as forgiving of my own parents. I'm sorry.
3 comments:
well I look up to you as a great mom! And it takes real guts to admit your not a great mother but even more to recognize the need for greatness! Your kids are lucky to have you!
I think you are too hard on yourself. Especially after having a new baby. Your kids get a lot more creative time with you than mine ever will. I find it hard to get down and play with them. The girls always want to play dolls, house, barbies, etc. I don't know how, I have forgotten!! How sad it that? I always wonder how much therapy my kids will need because of me. The truth is....I think we all do better than we give ourselves credit for. It is the hardest job out there and as long as we keep trying to improve our kids will be ok!
I agree, it was the devil himself that invented Candy Land and Shoots and Ladders.
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