UVU used to have a pendulum in the science building, maybe they still do, I haven't been there in a while. When I watched my nephew, I would take him there to watch it. We would run, well, he ran, I walked, down the hall, looking forward to seeing it swing back and forth. It was always so disappointing to get there and see it just hanging, not moving at all. I always wanted to go down there and give it a push.
Today has been one of those days that you think, "Will this day end already?!" It's not that it's been a horrible day. The kids have been pretty good, but keep bickering with each other, with Abi throwing in her shrieks of protest. Max hasn't really been crying; he's just being high maintenance today, requiring to be held constantly. I have a headache.
Tomorrow I am going scrap booking and I really wanted to go to the store, but I won't because Jared is working late on freelance for our down payment, and I don't want to take the girls and have to carry Max the whole time. Instead I am attempting to get some packing done so we don't have to move the whole house with a week and a half notice. It's not going very well.
That's when I realized it.
You know what my problem is?
Jared says:
Your husband is so cool, it makes you feel inadequate in comparison?
Um, no.
My real problem is I'm not a really good mom, but I'm not a really bad one either (yes I realize being a really bad mother is a problem in and of itself, but at least then I would be selfish enough to do whatever happened to make me happy at the moment, hear me out).
If I were a bad mom, I could just go take a Lortab and put in ear plugs and lock the door. Max wouldn't NEED to eat for 4 or 5 hours and the other kids can fend for themselves. Max would cry the whole time, but that's what ear plugs are for, right?
But I'm not a bad mom.
However, I'm not a good mom either, because I could carry Max and go upstairs and pace while helping the kids get their chores done and then take everyone on a walk to the park, because Max does well outside, in the stroller, on walks, and then I would carry him around with the girls at the park and pushing them on the swings. Everyone would be happier and too worn out to fight when we came back.
But I'm not a really good mother. So I wont, because my head moderately hurts and it's bright outside, and swings make me motion sick to watch, and it's hot outside, and, frankly, I am just too lazy.
Instead I will sit in the rocker with the baby all day wishing there was something I could take to get rid of my headache and being frustrated with the normal play fights the girls are having upstairs.
It's like I have become that stationary pendulum. So much exciting, fun potential and then just a little disappointing.
6 comments:
I think I used to be a great mom when I just had Adam. I have lost a little of my greatness with each child we have added, so now I am just an ok mom...better than bad, right?
I've had those days. I need the push though.
You should write a column for stay at home moms. I bet you'd get quite a following.
I don't know many of us who don't feel that way.
I'm a terrible mom.
Casey, don't say that, you just have to put a little more effort into it is all.
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