Before I got married I don't think I was planning on having a family. I wanted to go to grad school, get my PhD, and teach, with some research on the side. When I did get married, it just felt like the normal, right thing to do was to have kids. We decided to have them right away and also decided I wouldn't go to work full time so we would never get use to having that extra income. We knew it was difficult for people to go from two jobs to one and we didn't want to have any mixed feelings about doing it. We were poor, it wasn't going to make any difference whether we made five dollars an hour more then the five Jared was making. We were both used to not having money before we got married so it wasn't much of a change.
So why did we (I? I'm not sure what Jared's reasons are exactly and probably can't assert my reasons onto him.) decide that I would be a stay at home mom? Right now I often think it's because I don't want a job that I have to show up for every day whether I want to or not, but that's only true with the jobs I can currently get. If I had stayed with my original plan that would not be an issue. I love to teach at colleges, and I don't think that will ever change.
The real reason I think is two fold. 1) I worked at a various daycare centers for a few years and I saw how it effected children to be there. 2) As a young adolescent and teenager I didn't have a stay at home mom and I know how that effected me.
Working at a daycare center was interesting. Most of the kids didn't cry (or stopped crying after a couple of weeks) when their parent's dropped them off, but their behavior spoke volumes about how they felt about being there. A lot of the kids start acting "goofy" to get attention; it usually only got bad attention from the adults but the other kids thought it was hilarious. There was one boy in particular that I remember. He had been labeled as the problem kid before I started and all the teachers treated him like crap. He was maybe 9? 10? Alisha, who was the director when I worked there, saw it and made sure he hung out with her a lot of the time so he didn't get blamed for everything. One day he had a particularly bad time with the other teachers and was pulled into the office. He was so angry. He knew he didn't deserve to be treated the way they were, but he didn't have anyone to stick up for him. He started throwing things all over the office and Alisha let him. After a few minutes of that he just started sobbing and collapsed into a chair. He said "It's not fair. I'm not a bad kid but they treat me like I am and then nobody believes me when I try to tell what happened, not even my mom."
There were other kids that I remember too, but mostly I know that the people working at daycares are making slightly more then minimum wage and don't care if the kids are learning anything or making progress in life. They just want to get through the day of work and go home to their own families.
Obviously some are better then others, Angela was lucky to have a great one while she was in school but I think most of the time it's just not the case and often I can walk into a room and tell you the kids that have been in daycare verses the ones that stay at home with a parent.
I didn't have a horrible time with my mom gone, but there are specific things that happened that wouldn't have if she had been home (which wasn't an option, I don't blame her at all for not being home, but as long as I have a choice in the matter, I won't work if I have kids home, regardless of their age.) Some are minor things, like always coming home to an empty house. Angela would hang out with friends after school and I have no idea what Trisha did, but I would come home to an empty house every day. I always felt like a loser with no friends once we moved to Utah and this just confirmed it in my mind.
Another time Angela and I left for school too late and missed the bus. Mom always left before we did so we didn't have a ride. We were standing there just thinking "Crap, Mom is going to be pissed," when a lady pulled up in her car. She said that her kid missed the bus and she was on her way back from dropping him off and it looked like we missed ours too. Would we like a ride? I don't think either of us was comfortable saying yes, but what other option did we have? We got in her car and just never told Mom that we did. We didn't get kidnapped, but I certainly don't want my own kids to feel like they need to get in a strangers car because nobody was home to make other arrangements.
Over all, my mom just wasn't ever around when we were older kids. When she was around she was stressed out from being at work all day and having to come home to us "rotten kids." :-) Eventually, Angela and I just started scheduling things so we wouldn't be home at the same time she was. I don't want my kids to feel like they were a nuisance like we did.
I'm far from being a good (much less great) stay at home mom, but I would never be able to lie to myself and say that kids that grow up with parents that work and are not home when they are will be (and are) just as well adjusted as the children with a parent that is home when they are.
8 comments:
I wanted you to stay at home because I wanted you available to serve me, and not meddling in men's affairs.
;)
For me it's always been that if you came to me and said I want to work, let's figure out day care or something, I would be totally supportive. But I agree with you on everything you said about having a parent at home. I'm very grateful that you've chosen the path you have. I know it's a big sacrifice for you. It's too bad it isn't economically viable for us to trade weeks. I work one week, and you stay at home, then you work and I stay at home.
Orson Scott Card in one of his books has a character who says we've got it backwards as a society. We're trying to get all the mothers out of the home when what we should be trying to do is to get all the fathers back into the home too. Back to the ideal of working a farm or something together as a family, where everyone interacted and worked together every day.
By the way, I love the direction the blog is taking. Reading this stuff is becoming a highlight of my day.
I completely agree with the idea of trying to get fathers back into the home. It's too bad that our society has moved to a position where men have to work out of the home or they can't work at all.
I'm all for trying out the family farm thing, except I am not willing to have you leave your church job without the promise that you could come back at any time you wanted, which won't happen. That and you are allergic to farms and you don't like to do yard work. I'm not sure I do either for that matter, especially if our family's survival depends on it.
Ideally, we would win the lotto or something that we could just live off for the rest of our lives. It would be like a permanent family vacation.
It was great when Brett worked at home for those 5 years. The kids and I were better off. He took breaks regularly and we did things together. I was able to run errands alone which is good for any mother's sanity. Anytime he takes a day off or is sick he always says, "I want to work at home." It is better for all.
Also, on the why do I stay home with my kids question....My mom was always there when we got home and it was great to come home to her hugs and asking how was your day? She did go back to work when I was in high school, but that didn't seem to bug me. Both my parent's were always home by dinner. Brett grew up from 8 on in a daycare. He has horrible stories. One being that they never paid attention to the kids. There was pool in the backyard and Brett saved his little sister's life because they weren't paying attention. Why have kids if you aren't going to raise them? Brett and I want to be in control of our children's values and discipline. I have a hard enough time with my kid's teachers seeing them more than I do. The times I have had to work we make sure that Brett is with them when I am gone. It is just important. Ok, too much rambling.
No I am glad you posted, Amy. I agree, especially with how teachers see your kids more often then you do. If they gave an option for kids to stay in the half day like kindergarten that's what I would do and then finish off their schooling at home. I would do all of it at home if I could handle it but I don't think I could, at least not while having other little kids.
I have considered home schooling a lot. It is hard with the little ones. But, I just don't think I am organized enough. I have serious lacking in that department. However, if there is ever a day one of my kids cries to me saying they don't want to go anymore because of bullying or whatever else I wouldn't hesitate to keep them home and attempt it.
I pulled Jaylee out of school in February, and we love it! Little ones do make it harder, but she is much happier. Definately worth it!
Why did you decide to take her out?
Does she miss anything about being in school? I find my kids always want to do the thing they aren't, so they complain about the things they do the whole time.
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